Goodbye Cruel World?

Sorry it has been so quiet around here. I'm pretty much just slogging through the days of this pregnancy bit by bit. I'm also trying to stay excited about my little girl arriving in a few months, but some physical changes to my body have been putting a damper on my parade.
Ok. Deep breath. And this is getting so old, believe me. Seems like I can't catch an emotional break during all of this. Next week I go see a surgeon to look at some unsavory changes in my breast tissue. My Obgyn didn't seem too concerned and told me not to worry....but is sending me to a specialist to rule out Inflammatory Breast Carcinoma. It's a rare cancer that doesn't involve lumps and is very fatal. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm trying to think positive thoughts. But the symptoms are hard to ignore. And the ramifications are almost too hard to fathom or to bear. How many times have I said this...

Life is full of trade offs.

Ok. You want another baby at 42? You can have one, but you'll die a painful horrifying death and orphan your children.

3 months ago I noticed part of my breast turned red. A month ago, I called my Dr. and asked what it could be. He told me to wait till my next appointment and he would look at it. So another month goes by. Finally last week he looked at it.

"Yes, I see what you are talking about. A quadrant of your breast is discolored and there is some swelling. I don't think it is something you should worry about. I believe it is some benign hormonal changes due to pregnancy."

"Hey, Doc, ok. But if it isn't benign...what would the worst case scenario be?"

"Well, that's why I'm going to send you to a surgeon to rule out Inflammatory Breast Carcinoma."


If I were single...if I were childless...I feel I could deal with this alot easier. But the thought of dying and leaving my 2 (!) little babies without their Mother, it's almost too much for me to wrap my head around at this moment. I fear flying. I fear death. I fear pain. But nothing compares to contemplating your children being orphaned and them not having memories of you. Them growing up and not remembering their Mother's embrace, kiss, face. voice.

I think I'll regret writing this blog entry. But to those who really know me, I can't hide. I just wish someone could tell me that everything is going to turn out ok. That I'm not really sick and the symptoms I'm experiencing are just normal pregnancy issues. But I spend hours and hours pouring over the info/symptoms on the internet and looking at pictures. And I'm sensing the grim reaper creeping up behind me.

I'm also a Hypochondriac. And a drama queen. And a pessimist. I know all this to be true. I always assume the worst when it comes to my health. I assume the worst because somehow in my twisted mind, I feel that it prepares me more for the worst (which is just bullcrap and I know it). I've been dying of something for 20 years. But this time I can't deny the symptoms.

Why can't I just have a moments peace during this pregnancy?