Scared Out Of My Mind

Ok, let me explain the misery of a day or so ago. My Dad has had a chronic cough for awhile now. Like a year, maybe. 8 months ago, he had a chest X-ray to check for pneumonia and he was fine and clear. But antibiotics didn't work to get rid of the cough, allergy stuff didn't work, nothing was working. His general demeanor has slowed down with lethargy and he has been going to sleep every night at 7pm. He is 71, but has always been pretty vivacious. His body is definitely struggling.
A couple of days ago, with my urging, he went back to the Doctor and had another chest X-ray. This time, the results showed a spot on his lung that wasn't there 8 months ago on the previous X-ray. Once I heard the news, I was so gripped by panic and fear, and found myself mentally going to a very dark place. ( My dad started smoking when he was 9. Quit when he was 12. Started again in his 20's and smoked for another 30 or so years until he finally quit 20 or so years ago. He has never had any serious illness. He doesn't drink or take drugs or any medication of any kind.) Hum...
He had a CT scan yesterday and the Dr. thinks it looks like scar tissue. But he needs more testing. So that's where we are now. But I'll tell you one thing, my greatest fear (besides anything happening to my son) is my Dad not being here anymore. I know everyone has to go thru it. But I'm not ready. My son needs more memories. What will we do without him? I'm an only child and I need all of my family. I don't have room to lose a member of this really small club. I'm going to that dark place again...he also has worked so hard his whole life to provide a comfortable life for his family. If he isn't here, I somehow have to make sure all he has built won't fall apart. But I'm not him and that is a great fear of mine. Not being destitute necessarily, just pissing all his hard work away. I don't have a PH'D in Economics from Brown University. I'm not particularly savvy financially. I'm not a bank consultant. I don't possess the mental assets my parents have...it's a huge burden. But here I am. So that's all I know for now. I need to get to work and keep busy. I need to sell some yarn.

ps. Purl Jam is now open for business...